“One way of describing conflict is that it points to a situation
in which the level of trust is low enough that feedback cannot be shared
as a way to attend to the situation before it becomes a full-blown conflict.”
Miki Kashtan
Once, I heard a certified NVC trainer quote Miki Kashtan, another trainer, who said that “conflict is a postponed feedback.” I was inspired by those words. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find this exact quote. The one I used to start this newsletter is the closest I found to what I heard.
Imagine we had enough trust in our teams, communities and organizations, to give feedback on a daily basis in all directions – horizontally and vertically. Regardless of specific situations in which there is no time and space to do it, if only we could express and be received with openness and curiosity… I can imagine fewer conflicts and of different trajectory. Maybe conflicts could be understood as a dilemma then, a mutual wonder…
Unfortunately, I can still observe in organizations a lack of trust, lack of feedback, fear of conflicts and, due to it, a lot of pain, resentment and confusion.
What can we do to welcome conflicts with more openness and see them as a mutual dilemma?
First, let’s have a look at the ways we understand “conflicts” depending on the organizational culture we are marinated with.
Liv Larsson, the author of the book “A Helping Hand, Mediation with Nonviolent Communication”, has made a distinction between domination and partnership cultures and how we see conflicts through their lenses.
IN HIERARCHICAL CULTURE:
- Conflict is negative and bad.
- We must do everything to avoid them.
- Conflicts are a sign that someone has made a mistake.
- Conflicts are caused by disruptive and troublesome people and that is why we need effective tools to control them both official and unofficial ones.
- Order and harmony will appear when we defeat the opposing side. This often requires the use of violence, punishment or some other form of pressure.
MEANWHILE IN PARTNERSHIP CULTURE CONFLICTS:
- are a natural part of life.
- can be resolved constructively.
- arise where life flows and where people have dreams and care about their boundaries.
- can be enriching and helpful while discovering new, creative strategies for working together to meet everyone’s needs.
- are most beneficial when we navigate them using a win-win approach.
What kind of beliefs about conflicts do you hold? What kind of beliefs are held in your organization or workplace?
As a mediator and a trainer, while working with different families, schools, organizations, teams and leaders, oftentimes I hear the belief that conflicts are signs that there is something wrong with the people who start them. There is a lot of shame around this subject. To “soothe” it some people pretend that there are no conflicts at all. In such places, feedback is also seen as something that brings discomfort. There is little trust and psychological safety. As you can imagine it can lead to “fake peace” and “toxic positivity” at the cost of authenticity and connection with life.
How to find the courage to welcome feedback and conflicts with openness and curiosity though?
Susan Scott, the author of the book “Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time”, wrote:
“Never be afraid of the conversations you are having. Be afraid of the ones you are not having.”
Some years ago I was supporting business partners, co-founders of a local start-up. The atmosphere of developing the project was magnificent to them. They did not give each other feedback on what they didn’t like about their cooperation to not spoil it. However, both of them held some resentment towards one another as they had different visions about growing. One of them wanted to try out new things and risk, the other wanted to continue what they were doing and improve it. They agreed to some solutions and did not discuss it again. The only way they were trying to let the other party know that they had some doubts were sarcastic comments during team meetings in front of all the other team members. As you can imagine, sarcastic remarks made the atmosphere thick and unbearable.
I was asked to lead a workshop about communication in their team and from the very first moment I could sense the tension between them. To my surprise, when I asked them since when they had this conflict, both of them answered that they didn’t have any conflict and everything was absolutely fine. Well, it wasn’t and the whole team knew it.
How to navigate conflicts with courage and openness then?
First, awareness of the existence of a conflict can help see more clearly when and how to engage in what is happening. If we hold negative beliefs about conflicts and people engaged, we may not have access to this awareness though.
In the example mentioned earlier, naming that there is a conflict, supported the partners in acknowledging what was happening to them and to the team.
The next thing to do is to pay attention to whether someone interprets, evaluates, and analyzes the situation or the people involved. If so, describe that situation expressing what really happened, thus outlining the facts without evaluation.
Next, check whether anyone is judging who is right and who is wrong. In such a case, there is a significant risk that the conflict will escalate, the parties will adopt extreme positions, and it will be even more challenging to resolve it. If this happens, focus on which needs are unmet. By doing so, we create circumstances that support interpersonal connection and encourage people to avoid pointless judgments, scapegoating, and pointing fingers at who should have acted differently.
When those involved in the conflict know what their needs are, it becomes easier to find a strategy that is satisfactory for all parties.
Simply deepening connection among those involved in the conflict, finding trust and hope, is already a significant step toward reconciliation.
Summing up, navigating conflicts with empathy requires:
- Laying all cards on the table (revealing all facts and observations).
- Seeing all parties involved in the dispute as humans (understanding feelings, needs, and dreams).
- Creating a clear picture of what those involved want to happen (articulating wishes, requests).
As you can imagine, in the example above, when I supported them in articulating the facts instead of interpretations and naming their feelings and needs, the solution appeared naturally as the effect of the reestablished connection between them.
Just for clarity, the connection did not appear during the first meeting. It took 3 sessions to make it possible for them as there were so many unspoken wounds buried under the strategy they both named “toxic positivity”.
„Conflict or tensions of any kind, can be a source of creative potential that when cared for with awareness and compassion, can lead to a greater closeness with others and a deeper understanding of ourselves.”
Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg
How do you approach conflicts at your workplace?
About the author:
Paulina Orbitowska-Fernandez
CNVC Certified Trainer, Coach, eduScrum Trainer, an academic teacher
I am an NVC trainer supporting families, schools, business and organizations, through workshops, lectures or individually. The way we communicate has an impact on our personal and professional relations. I support people in leveraging the quality of them so they can enjoy more honesty and empathy. I also facilitate systemic transformation through Nonviolent Communication, neurobiology, and 3d-mapping inspired by and following the teachings of Sarah Peyton being in a constant awe how much healing her work brings. The first time I heard the words of Marshall Rosenberg “Connect before correct” I imagined how the world would look like if we could remember them more often. What I do is rooted in that dream. I have finished postgraduate studies in Leadership in Education, Nonviolent Communication according to Marshall Rosenberg and Train the Trainer of Nonviolent Communication studies, at Collegium Civitas in Warsaw, Poland. I have also finished Business and Life Coaching at the School of Empathic Trainers in Warsaw. I am a mother of a teenage boy who is my source of love and wisdom.